Monday, May 4, 2015


When I first started teaching, Xaviar Rudd "Spirit Bird" was my jam. Now, hearing it for the first time in over a year is shocking my heart. It is incredible how the familiar chord sequence of a guitar, a melody that your soul knows by heart, a voice that your heart quivers at can take you back to a space that was so transformative, so shaped by the harmony of all of the song's components with your own life's--your thoughts, actions, intentions, joy and hurt, that you retransform every time after that you hear it again. Right now I am being transformed back into that vulnerable new teacher, thrusted from the life I knew as a cook into one standing in front of students expecting more from me than filling their bellies. I was there to fill their souls.

Or so I thought. The truth is, I couldn't do it from that forum anymore than I could from the kitchen. It wasn't that I could not satisfy my audience, it remains that I cannot satisfy myself.

I love food. I love to cook, to eat. I love to feed people.

I love yoga. I love the practice, it's spirituality. I love to share this with people.

But I get stuck in both. Lost in the vortex that is our desire to define ourselves by something, all the while knowing that while you can love something, it doesn't need be your life's work; it does not even need to be a definitive part of you.

{insert quote at random}
there is only one you in all time. This expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. -Martha Graham

We are all made up of so and so many talents--unique bits of business that come to define who we are, that set us apart as an individual, although similar to so many others, unique in the compilation of characteristics and interests, abilities and offerings. But there always seems to be that one detail, that something special that allows you to reach out, move even, so many others, at once connecting to them and your sense of self. That detail that is so satiating, so unnervingly true to the being you are being here that you catch more than a glimpse of purpose.

Purpose. Heavy word. It is what most of us are seeking, what many philosophize about. Easily generalized, we can insist we are here to love, to pass on wisdom, genetics, platforms to build upon and shape the future. We are meant to grow in integrity, to affect and effect others, to keep this planet populated with our species and our intellect. But all of that is so goddamned broad. I'm not going to get too specific here, but I am asking you to do so for yourself.

What are you here for? Not you human being you, but you you. You as you were created in all of your uniqueness. You in your individual way of understanding, experiencing, and making an offering to this life; your life. In what format, what expression do you feel like you are most authentic, most stripped down to your bare bones real, most generous of heart mind and soul, most willing to give and give up, most terrified but willing to do it anyways? From what medium do you sing at the top of your vibrating lungs? That's what you are here for.

To vibrate. At your highest frequency so that what you have to offer permeates the waves of what everyone else is offering up into this existence. We fuel each other, receiving humbly the offerings of others, and needing them to receive our humble offering; within this exchange is what keeps all of us energetically thriving, willing to continue to give and acknowledge the gifts of others. But again, I ask, what is your gift?

Whatever it is embrace it. Have humility, yes, of course; see that others may have the same gift but do not allow that to enforce a need to compete. Instead, embrace your radness not as being masterful or superior at something, but as an honest acceptance of your offering. As something that offers you a sense of purpose. Your voice. 

Rudd's voice is his voice, literally. Lyrics, instrumentation, the ability to honor the emotional attachment to music that people feel and use the resonation of that to connect to the rest of us is his purpose. Mine is not in the kitchen or the studio. It is here. Writing.

Find your voice. And use it. Fucking loudly.

and thank you for reading.

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