Monday, June 9, 2014


you know when you are feeling so many different things that you cannot distill your emotions into a manageable, nameable feeling? That's me. That's this post. Hence the "untitled" title. There are really no clear words or thoughts. Emotional chaos--stop reading now if that scares you/turns you off/makes no sense at all, because it wont.

Emotional chaos. Sounds dramatic hey? it is. and it isn't. its an is ism (see last post--it makes a bit more sense at least)(focus Anderson...ok). Its just a lot, really; a lot of changes and feelings and unsure bits of life business all milling about in the vessel we call the body which is where the mind and the heart thrive in constant debate. And when there are enough different emotions and not enough agreement between the heart and the mind, the chaos eventually gets tired and winds down, though it feels more like a soupy glomming together of all thoughts/feelings/sures and not so sures/manifestations/hopes/ chia pudding. I am emotional chia pudding. That would have been a catching title...

ok. stop reading what i have to say, because i am hardly writing what i need to say. Read this instead:
i do love the chaos. i do love a roaring heart and mind. I love that i know exactly how i feel but not why, or why i might feel something i cannot exactly explain. I love being not entirely sure of anything, just knowing that i have a large amount of trust and love and hope and openness to take it as it is. I am que-se-rah'ing right now; what ever will be will be. And there are a lot of things being right now that feels like chaos but is really magnificent roaring.
I have not always been comfortable with chaos--i laugh now, when people tell me my energy is calm or zen, because those were the last words you would use to describe pre-yoga me--i have, however, always been comfortable with a roaring heart.
I am passionate to a fault. When i love something i love it with my whole being, when i don't, im not put off by it. I am not one, however, to create chaos out of what i love by pushing it on others or arguing with anyone who doesn't love what i love, but i am more than likely to talk too much and with too many exaggerated hand gestures about such things if given the space to. It is a concentrated passion though, as I fall in love quickly, and fully with a only a few things.

Same goes for people. Quick concentrated passion and love. Which leads me back to emotional chaos.

M gets back today after 45 days away. 45 days apart, and 5 hours until together again. And i am as excited as i am terrified. Reliving the last 45 days and daydreaming about the next. Grateful for the time apart for so many reasons that could go either way for building the time together. Feeling that so much time has past, but that it went so quickly. Knowing how much has changed, and wondering how little that will matter. Aware of what i need, and what is needed of me. Unaware of what i need and what is needed of me. Capable of imagining the worst, but fully trusting in what we had before he left. Sure, really, of only one thing: i love him in a passionate to a fault, roaring heart, emotionally chaotic chia pudding glom sort of way.

Like i love rhubarb cooked in beer.

i warned you. nonsensical. but you read it anyways. And now you should make this:

Beer and Cider Braised Rhubarb
inspired by Green Kitchen Stories, and M's return home, cause i put some beers in the fridge for him and baked bread to smear this all over. All the wheaty, malty, yeasty, sharp, sweet and bright rhubarby-ness. All the chaos.

1lb rhubarb, as ripe and red and beautiful as you can find
1/2 cup beer--i used a German lager, but i imagine stout would be good--ive used Crannog Ales Backhand of God to cook porridge in before and it is camping breakfast at its finest, but wouldn't be the jazziest with rhubarb...
1/2 cup apple cider, or juice, if you are feeling that is too much booze in one compote. in which case, you aren't quite understanding the chaos theme
honey or maple syrup or nothing at all, depending on your sweet tooth.

combine all in a cast iron pan (i read recently that your food absorbs iron from the pan, and you absorb it from your food which is super neat because i am super anemic right now....can you be "super" anemic, or is that implied...side note) and cook over low heat, uncovered, until the rhubarb is just tender.

Serve on oats/yoghurt/pancakes/waffles/cake/icecream/toast/cheese, whatever vessel you've got, and feel free to jazz it up with vanilla bean as they do on GKS, or get fancy with a couple sprigs of thyme, a fresh bay leaf, or some classy cardamom pods, and choose your body language to express how passionate you are about it. I find simple, though, is best in the chaos--so a double fist pump will do.