Friday, June 22, 2012

thank you Coldplay

i was going to title this post with a quote from a song, noting here in my first sentence how silly it was to quote from a song so unknown--it is one thing to quote cohen, quite another to assume anyone who doesnt listen to CBC radio 2 will understand said post title to be a lyric of sorts--that i could not even remember who sang it, what the song was called, or even the tune to which the rest of it goes. Instead i thank Coldplay for a song with an idea at least similar to the one line of some random song that i can no longer remember.

The (coldplay) song i speak of says "slow it down" or, rather "slow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow, it down" (the band is not in pain, those adhering to proper spelling onomatopias are pronounced "oh (my goodness)" not "ow (my goodness i just stubbed my toe"))
Anyways, slow it down. This is my new mantra, the advice i desire to heed, even if impossible considering committments to work/farm and things only just starting to speed up (rapidly) at both.

Summer is officially here, as of two days ago, and with it the ominous mass influx of hungry tourists/growing vegetables. I am actually afraid. Last season was horribly demanding, spending from five a.m. til the bike ride up the hill at 11p.m. going, moving, stopping only for a few minutes to go to the washroom, and about that many minutes to eat something; occasionally remembering to breathe, never getting enough sleep. Between the farm work and the real work, i threw in a bike ride--the only time i was actually sitting. But not this time. I cannot do it again.

I no longer possess this odd, somewhat masochistic desire to run myself completely ragged. I am learning to give some of my time to things that i want to do, not what i am obligated to do (and no, i am not sacrificing any bathroom break time to do so). Like right now, as i stand here writing instead of squatting out there weeding (betcha thought i was still talking bathroom breaks, hey?!). Practicing yoga has taught me alot about balance (beyond standing on my head), and allowed me to be open to it.

And really, i am simply enjoying finally feeling healthy, strong, oriented, present, and...calm (another shout out to yoga here). Though it may be inevitable that i will be tired from the early starts/late finishes to my days, plus my devotion to all things physical, i am done with mental fatigue, with contributing to my own stress. Im ready to slow it down.

Evidence that i already have (besides the creation of this post at the sacrifice of weed strangled cilantro, and that i actually sat down to eat breakfast the last few mornings)? Observe-- a text message from my ma describing our date last thursday:

       "It was a lovely day. So relaxed and easy."

WHAT? My ma described time with me as relaxed and easy? Does she know she wrote that? She must have been into the wine. But its true. The day was relaxed and easy, though just having her write that to me really resonated with how important it is to me, and wonderful it is to be taken that way, to be relaxed.

And when i forget to be during the coming craziness, i will turn on Coldplay and read that message, maybe do a little yoga...or maybe take a little nap.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

the sunny side of rain

i could be making pancakes right now. We have been rained off of the farm, and what could be better than cozying up with a stack, an espresso, and last weekends Globe and Mail (im busy, i can only read a section a day...Wednesday is for the crossword, actually...); its been awhile, and it would be a lovely way to deal with yet another wet, grey, "spring" day, helping to resist the urge to crawl back into bed and sleep until the sun decides to shine again.
instead i am eating the same cereal i have for the last four days, not because my seasonally affected disorder has disabled me from finding joy and putting effort into my breakfasts--i simply, really, wanted more to spend this newfound time writing and cereal is quick, that and its really good cereal, i made it myself.
So that is what i am going to do until heading off to yoga--which, like pancakes, keeps me from being as miserable as the weather. Rain now has come to mean that instead of weeding, i can attend practice, and that--actually wanting the rain to come-- is probably the truest sign to me that im on a different path...
Breakfast, time to write, and yoga: its a pretty sunny day after all

what i will say

Most often, when i have not written here in awhile, i have half written and left unpublished to finish when i have either more time or less wine, more than several posts. Such a habit was the reason for a promise i made a while ago ( it would be dishonest to assure that my end of the bargain--the only end, that is--has been completely upheld; though i finished several posts in a row, there remains a few scattered thoughts from that time...). This habit holds strong: tonight i half wrote a personal record of four posts. Will i get to them anytime soon? Will you get to read them while they still hold relevancy to me? Considering i still have point form almost posts from the first month i started writing here...hmmmm. I apologize for this tendency, this lack of dedication (or rather, dedication to too much wine with too little time--added to too many thoughts and ideas and not enough, actually, dedication), and general absence from what could be a larger part of me.
Lately i have been trying at best to make more time for, well, me. This means getting in my run, my yoga practice, sitting down to eat breakfast, socializing beyond work and half-written-good-intentions-for-communication, sleeping. And writing here is a large part of me, no matter how concealed that large part is.
So please bear with me, lend encouragement, and continue reading--when there is something completed to read, that is). Maybe then there will be four "brand new" fully finished and published posts to read. Until then, at least i finished this one (and it is not for lack of wine...).